Afterwards

So it’s in.  The Mirena.  If someone says it will feel like a cramp, kick them.  Uhm, yeah, maybe if you’ve had 4 babies and your insides are used to that sort of thing.  If not, well, it feels horrible, painful and foreign.  Sure, they were cramps… cramps around a red hot poker being jabbed into my organs.  It was hard to breathe, and for maybe the third time in my life, I almost passed out.  Not because of the pain, but because of not being able to breathe, I guess. 

When it was over, I cried.  I didn’t mean to, but the doctor said it happens sometimes – just a combination of the pain, anxiety and stuff.  So I did.  Then I threw up.  Don’t know why.  I still feel like I could.  Supposedly the cramps will be gone by in the morning. 

I want to go home and curl up in bed, and yes, I want a pain pill. 

Opinion of Mirena so far – ouch.  (only in much stronger terms)

Finality, Sort Of

(As an aside, this is really about me writing to clear my head, quiet the pounding of my heart and ease the jumpiness in my soul.  Maybe you identify, maybe not.  Immaterial, really.  But, it is honest, and hard, and maybe, just maybe, something that  you or someone you know is dealing with too.)

My husband and I decided not to have children.  I’m 35; so is he.  For me, I am on the cusp of being too old to be an active, involved mother.  I never envisioned myself as a 38 year old with a toddler.  I don’t think my husband ever thought of himself as a father at any age.  When I was in my 20’s, I would have told you that I was definitely going to have children, two of them.  Looking back, I’m not sure if that was what I wanted or what society programs 23 year old girls to want.  Twelve years later, it’s foggy.  And yes, I went through the time when my biological clock was clanging like an alarm clock.  For about 2 years, there was nothing I wanted more than a baby.  I was in a bad marriage that was well on the way to divorce and (thank God) had the good sense to stay on birth control, but down deep, I prayed that it would mess up, he wouldn’t know, and I could have a baby of my own.  I considered adopting a Chinese baby, sperm donation, and basically just getting pregnant from a random guy.  Shocked?  Look, my biological clock was in control of what little logic I had at 29. 

I had already been through a traumatic ectopic pregnancy that very nearly killed me.  I wrestled with thoughts of what if that was my only chance.  I put pillows under my shirt and imagined myself pregnant.  I planned what I would name them (Emme Madelyn and Nathan Michael).  I touched my stomach.  I dreamed of babies.  Until one month, I was late.  I was so convinced I was pregnant, that apparently my mind convinced my hormones of it.  Three tests, all positive.  One doctor, negative.  It was like losing a baby that I never really had.  I was devastated.

But it put my focus back on reality, on a horrible marriage that was crumbling all around me, on my family and finally, on Christ.  When I was able to turn over and unplug my biological clock and stop its jangling, I realized that it was a good thing I hadn’t been pregnant.  It wasn’t time.  5 years later, I wondered if it ever would be time and gained a new perspective on it.

I came to see that I was not focused on being a mother anymore.  I had other things in my life that I wanted to give my attention to.  I knew that having a child would change my entire life, and now, I saw that I didn’t want that to happen.  I am selfish – I like my sleep, my time with my husband, all of his attention, doing things my way, having things stay where I put them.  I don’t like cleaning up puke or poo or spit up food.  It took me 34 years to find this wonderful man that I love, and I want to spend the time we have left with each other, focused on each other.  I want to be able to do huge things for God without worrying about finding a nursery or a babysitter.  It started to become clear – we were choosing not to have children.

It is strange for a woman when she makes that decision.  It isn’t a popular one.  People believe for the most part that a woman should WANT to have children, that there is something wrong with her if she doesn’t.  They wonder if you aren’t ABLE to have them and just saying you don’t want them to make yourself feel better.  They wonder what you’re waiting for, if your marriage is in trouble, if you’re healthy.  They ask who will take care of you when you’re old, what life will be with no grandchildren, how we could do this to our parents, and why we’re so awful as to not like kids.  I’ve learned that for the most part, there is no right answer to these questions. 

But inside, I’ve also known that if something were to happen, if the birth control pills failed, if by some act of God I became pregnant, I would do my best to be a good mother.  I knew Bobby would do his best to be a good father.  We’d make do, because that would be what God wanted. 

But when I turned 35, I knew that something had to change.  I was getting to the point when I shouldn’t take the birth control pills anymore.  It was time to do something else.  So I scheduled an appointment to do something a little more final.  It’s today, at 2pm.  I’m not having surgery or a hysterectomy or anything like that.  I’m getting a Mirena, birth control that is 99.999% foolproof, effective for 5 years.  It isn’t like starting a new pack of pills or opening a box of condoms.  This is an actual decision, and it is relatively final.  Yes, it can be taken out, but at a high expense.  It isn’t advisable to get it if  you think you might want it just taken out.  That would be silly.

Last night, on the evening before today, before the finality, I began to sweat.  I am not rethinking our decision.  I have not changed my mind about wanting children.  I have said for a long time that given a choice, I do not want any.  Today, I am given a choice and asked to act on it, definitively.  Was it a cop out all those times?  Was I playing chicken with my birth control, or lack of it?  Was Russian Roulette (taking no birth control) my way of testing God to see if He didn’t want me to have children?

I feel like I’m letting go of part of being a woman, for real.  I feel like I’m making a hard decision.  I feel as though I’m “breaking up” with who I thought I was supposed to be, like I am divorcing an idea of what I thought my life would be.  I believe it is a good decision, but not all good decisions are easy.

I did what I do when things get tough and I can’t see daylight last night.  I called my friend Christy and asked her to pray with me.  There are times when we can’t even form the words ourselves and we have to rely on someone else to help.  That was last night.  Thank God He has sent me a friend who I can count on to do that, to know and understand how this tugs at my heart.  We prayed specifically that if this is not God’s will that He shuts the door this morning by having the office call and cancel the appointment.  So far, they haven’t. 

I have a peace about it now.  But… if you think of it, I could really use your prayers today.

Ready to Rumble

Ephesians 6:12 – For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  (NIV)

God impressed upon me as I began to pray for our series on Revelation that it was serious, that it was dangerous, and that it was vitally important.  I knew, from the get go, that we would be attacked spiritually.  We all knew.  We’ve been praying for each other, for our group, for the study.  And yet, when I think about our small group right now, with spiritual eyes, I see us standing in the ring.  We are bruised, swollen, and a little bloody.  But we’re all standing.  Like a fighter between rounds, I see us warily eyeing the opponent, breathing heavily and waiting for the next round… yet… confident.

That’s the cool thing.  We know the outcome.  Like a paid off Vegas bookie, we’ve been tipped off as to the outcome.  Christ has already won.  So on some level, satan has to feel compelled to fight harder even though he will eventually lose. 

Funny though, it’s easy to say that you’re ready for it and prepared, and pray for other people, until you are the one with the busted lip and a cut that keeps dripping blood in your eye and blurring your vision.  Then… it’s a little harder.  It’s hard to say that you know who wins, hard to keep praying, when  your lips are swollen (figuratively / spiritually) from being hit in the mouth. 

I was pretty blessed and fortunate until this past weekend.  That’s when I got hit.  I’m still getting it, but now, I’m fighting back.  I’m calling on my God for help.  I’m trying to hear the words of my Savior as He coaches me in this.  But my ears are ringing, it’s hard to see, and my head is throbbing.  I’m not immune to being attacked spiritually.  I’m no better than, different than, or more spiritual than anyone else.  So I expected it.  But still, it smarts. 

But the bell has rung.  I’m off the ropes.  Ready to rumble.

(The Message)  Eph. 6:12  This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

Buy A Little More

Check it out!!!  Yeah, this is gonna be so awesome!

Buy A Little More project starts a week from today – get involved! I am sooo excited to be a part of this and see what God can do when people commit to investing and sacrificing for Him.

Thursday Thoughts

Some random thoughts for Thursday:  (Seriously… very random)

• Pampered Chef.  I can’t find my skinny spatula (scraper).  It’s making me crazy.  Fancy that, someone at work is selling it.  Will order.
• Cake decorating.  Yes, I realize I’m dieting Weight Watchering.  But I’m still on my baking kick and really want to branch out with my cakes.  It’s time to start making them prettier.  Will order a decorating tip press thingamabob from Pampered Chef.  Experimentation will commence.
• Gray nail polish.  I used an OPI dark, shimmery charcoal gray years (maybe 6) ago.  I have no idea what the color name was and can’t find it on the OPI website.  However, for some reason, I want it.  I realize that it’s summer and therefore inappropriate to have gray nails.  Bleh.  Don’t care, want them.
• So pumped up for Buy a Little More that Connect Rome is doing.  We’re so going to rock this town. 
• This has my mind spinning today.  It is really something I would love to dive into with my small group, but we’re in the middle of Revelation.  It may be an after the study discussion type of thing though.  It’s too good to let go.
• I can hardly wait for Catalyst. 

Catalyst Question Confirmation

Okay, so I was trying to just keep this to myself and wait, but… God is awesome and I just can’t keep that quiet.  Ever since our friends, Jeff & Christy, told me about Catalyst, I’ve been aching to go.  We watched videos from last year: the worship, Andy Stanley, Francis Chan.  I got even more excited.

And then… I saw the price.  Ouch.  Not to say that it isn’t worth it – it definitely is.  But that doesn’t mean we have it either.  So, I had sort of put it away in my mind, trying to convince myself that I didn’t really need to go, that maybe another year would be better. 

Until Sunday.  Jeff asked about Catalyst, who was going, that we needed to get it ironed out.  My stomach sank.  But I’ve been reading lately about praying boldly and not pansying around in how I approach God for something.  So that’s just what I did.  Sunday afternoon, I prayed, “God, You know I really want Bobby and I to be able to go to Catalyst.  I really feel like we can learn things and be challenged and experience some awesome worship.  But You know our financial situation.  If You want us to go, God, then make it financially possible this week.”  Now, here’s my little disclaimer – I’m a big believer in paying tithes.  I believe that God will take care of you and bless you in ways you cannot imagine if you are faithful.  Seriously – test Him. 

Yesterday, in the mail, we got a letter from the IRS that said our stimulus check was going to be X amount of dollars and that it would be here on the 25th.  Yeah, that’s Friday, which also qualifies as this week.  Even if the check were not here, the letter came on Tuesday.  Honestly, that’s God.  I know Bobby wanted to do something else with that money, and maybe I should have checked with him before I prayed that, just in case.  But, when I told him about it last night and showed him the letter, he just nodded and said, “Can’t argue with God, can we?  I guess we’re goin to Catalyst.” 

I am SO stoked!!!!  Who’s going?  What are you looking forward to the most?

Famous

On Sunday, JR talked about making the name of Jesus famous.  He asked a very thought provoking question in what would it take to make the lead story on the news something about the amazing work God is doing in a community, through a church, in a neighborhood.  What if that was THE thing everyone was talking about?  What if instead of talking high gas prices we were talking high praises?  What if instead of talking about crimes, we were talking about God changing peoples’ lives? 

 

What an awesome thought!  Beyond that – what an important mission!  There’s nothing as important as making the name of Christ famous.  In a nation so wrapped up in celebrity gossip (a.k.a. “news”), it would be revolutionary if the most famous person was Jesus.  If we, as a nation, spent as much time, effort and resources making Christ known to people and what He is doing in our lives as is spent on celebrity gossip, the tide of this nation would turn around completely. 

 

What if there were paparazzi following us around because we were the Christ followers that they had heard so much about?  What would they see?  (Don’t worry, I just got hit in the head with that too.)  But what if we behaved as if they were?  What if we could really get our minds around the fact that our very LIVES are our mission?  That the way we live our lives on a daily, every day mundane basis is all someone may see of Jesus in that day. 

 

I want to be able to do that with confidence, to know that if some paparazzi were following me and blasting me in the tabloids as “one of those Christians” that Jesus would be proud of who I am when I represent Him.  I’m so far from that right now.  I have plenty of moments when I’m glad that no one can see me, much less make me the poster child for a relationship with Christ.  But I pray that God will shape me into that, a mirror that reflects who He sees in me and has made me to be.  But the only reason for that isn’t for anyone to see me, it’s to make Him famous.

Getting the Pronoun Right

This Saturday, our small group will be discussing the rapture as part of our Revelation study.  There are 4 views as to when the rapture will occur:  Pre-tribulation, mid-tribulation, mid-wrath and post-tribulation.  I have researched viewpoints and opinions on each for our discussion.  While I may have some opinions and scriptures attributed to a certain viewpoint that does not mean that that particular viewpoint is the only one that it applies to.  What I have found is that much of this is up for discussion and is still debated by people everywhere. 

The important thing to remember about the rapture is not WHEN, but WHO.  Who will be going with us?  What are we doing to bring people to Christ so that they will not be left behind?  We are guaranteed an eternity with Christ.  Whether that starts before the tribulation, during it or we must suffer through the tribulation is really irrelevant in relation to an eternity with Him.  So, while we are going to discuss when for informational purposes, it is vital to remember that the really important thing is WHO.  For every moment we spend thinking about WHEN, we should spend more thinking about ways to expand the kingdom of Christ and bring people to know Him. 

I was so wrapped up in the rights and wrongs, pros and cons of the viewpoints, the need to prove one over another.  I was begging God for some guidance, emailing people to ask for their opinion as if it were some sort of survey, when God corrected my grammar and told me to get the pronoun right. 

What an awesome lesson!  If we spent as much time and effort actively storming the gates of hell and bringing people out of it as we do debating theology, can you imagine the result of that? 

According To Me

I’m reading “The Deity Formerly Known As God” by Jarrett Stephens right now.  Very interesting book.  The first part is debunking our incorrect perceptions of God, the characters that we see Him as that are not true.  The second goes into accurate images.  One of the first perceptions it goes against is Cop Around the Corner, waiting to catch us doing something wrong.  I had a phase where I saw God as that, but thankfully, not anymore. 

However, he brought up an interesting point in this chapter.  Even though we know what God gave as the 10 Commandments, we often have our own perception of what God’s 10 Commandments to us are.  We have an internal set of “rules” we believe God has given us, a list of don’ts.  The book challenges us to think about what those rules are, where and why we started believing them and how they shape our lives. 

So here are the 10 Commandments, According To Me:

1.  Thou shalt not be sexually immoral, outside or INside of marriage.  This would include anything you wouldn’t do in front of your mother (which greatly limits things for some and gives a free pass to others, I suppose.)  It rules out the obvious before marriage, but at the same time, makes a lot of things ‘gray’ IN marriage.  The Catholic / Baptist version of this would be “Thou shalt not be sexual or sensual unless you’re making a kid.  Otherwise, feel great guilt.”  For me, this led to too much exploration, too much pre-marital sex, too much compromising my value, and guilt.  Later, it translated into marital problems and challenges that I will face… forever.  Big, BIG minefield.

2.  Thou shalt not cuss.  But, if you’re going to, at least avoid the ones with God’s name in any way attached to it, or the ones that start with “F”.  Yeah, this is a hard one.  I struggle with this daily hourly.  I grew up never even hearing the word “butt” until I was at least 11.  But somehow, after that, things went awry.  Maybe it was rebellion or just the effect of the words, but I used them liberally and forcefully.  While I am mostly good at controlling it in most situations, I should just get it under control.  Result:  Guilt.  Seriously?  Why can’t I just stop?  Is it because I don’t want to use dorky substitute words like “foo” and “crud” and “zowie” and “ding dang”?  Would I do it in front of God? Much as I hate to say it, I’m afraid that my gut level response to His awesomeness would be an inappropriate utterance.  Doubt that’d  please Him.

3.  Thou shalt not divorce.  Wow, can you say failure?  I go back and forth with this one in the scriptures, throwing in reasoning as to why and situations and His plan and all of that.  Either way, it’s a huge mess up, mistake and sin.  It will affect me for all of my life, despite being blessed with an amazing husband now.  Still, I’m divorced.  Marked.  It might as well be on my forehead.  The result of it – you guessed it, guilt.  God never intended for people to have to deal with the nuclear fall out that comes as a result of divorce. 

4.  Thou shalt not be have bad manners.  Hmm, this one we can thank my grandmother for.  If I heard “Cleanliness is next to Godliness,” once, it was at least ten times a day.  It apparently also applied to my table manners, and just manners in general.  Etiquette lessons, corrections, nudges.  I had them.  Yes, I could dine with the Queen of England and be confident of my manners, but really?  That makes me no closer to God.  That’s the good side.  The bad side is the judgmental one.  Not pretty, is it?  Mmhmm, and that results in… guilt.

5.  Thou shalt not be late.  I really think God ought to reconsider and make this one of His 10.  It would be so much nicer if people operated as if it were.  It’s just rude, like you don’t have a clock or something, as if your actions affected no one other than yourself.  (Clearly, I’m still battling this.)  Needless to say, this causes a great deal of friction in my marriage as he is never ready when I think he should be.  He’s always asking me to just slow down and not be in such a rush.  Would the world stop if we got there at 6:05 instead of 6:00?  No.  Am I that important?  No.  Do I still feel like I need to be on time?  Yes.  Result – guilt, for making such a big deal of something so silly.

6.  Thou shalt not leave food on your plate.  There are starving children in Africa for godsakes.  Sally Struthers says so, plus my dad worked hard to provide for the family.  It’s a sin to be wasteful.  One day when I work and buy the groceries, I’ll understand.  (I can’t be the only person to have heard this stuff.)  Funny though, I must internally believe that it is wrong to leave food.  I rarely do.  And when I do leave food, I feel horrible, disrespectful and guilty.  Probably wouldn’t be that big a deal if I didn’t put much food on said plate, which leads us to …

7.  Thou shalt not be fat.  Never says anything in the Bible about someone being fat.  They probably never were, having to walk everywhere and carry water and stuff.  Sure, there is mention of gluttony, but what an ugly word.  I just love food, a lot.  And well, I’m not a big fan of exercise.  I’m reminded of the verse about everything in moderation.  I don’t think moderation is what I had in mind regarding the pork chop I had for dinner last night.  So, yeah, guilt.  Funny though, this is one of those things that is just not discussed at church.  I’m not saying I want it to be.  It’s horribly sensitive and a total minefield.  Logically, it would seem that it should be discussed, but emotionally, I’m not sure I would ever go back if it was.  How’s that for two – faced?  Which of course results in guilt, and brings us to the next one.

8.  Thou shalt not be two-faced or hypocritical.  I would imagine that this is common sense.  But really?  Why is it that people still are, and especially in church?  Be who you are in church as well as the grocery store and at home.  We can’t make any progress till we get real with ourselves and each other.  This is pretty important.  However, I will admit to being judgmental about it and writing people off when I believe that they are hypocrites.  Clearly, that’s a problem and not my place to do that.  Thus, we have guilt. 

9.  Thou shalt not make Jesus into a pansy.  Don’t sugar coat the gospel for me.  I’m an adult, I can handle it.  And don’t make Jesus into some lame, metrosexual pansy.  He was the son of a carpenter.  He walked huge distances and worked.  I doubt he was a string bean – physically.  On top  of that, uhm, hello, he’s God’s son.  Definitely not pansy.  And while the gospel is based on grace, that does not give us license to live like heathens.  He is coming again.  He will judge everyone.  He sees us.  He is not so stupid as to be fooled by our week of sins and fake sorrowful tears on Sunday.  Big ole pet peeve.  However, I’ve done it… banked on grace.  Yeah, I’m guilty. And lastly,

10.  Thou shalt not be a lazy Christian.  We’re supposed to serve.  Just going to church doesn’t constitute serving.  But, fine line.  Motives are important, the spirit of serving.  But to just be a pew-warmer, ugh.  That’s the height of laziness.  To me.  Then again, I have no idea what people are going through, why they are or are not involved at whatever level I think is appropriate.  And of course, that makes me feel… guilty. 

Before you get judgmental of all of these… keep in mind what your own may be.  Though, these are my faults, my shortcomings.  I know they aren’t right.  (Thus the point.)

Notice two similarities in all of my commandments:  First of all, they all result in guilt, and secondly, they are all mandated or tweaked at least, by me.  I will never be good enough to deserve what God so freely gives.  I will never be able to make myself blameless, worthy or stainless.  I will not be able to be Polly Perfect.  But the awesome thing is that through Christ, because of what He did for me, that’s how God sees me!  He sees me as spotless already.  That’s so cool. 

And while these may be close to His rules, they aren’t exactly.  And I’m not God.  It isn’t for me to make up rules.  It isn’t up to me to perform as if I’m in some constant talent show struggle.  All I can do is be close to Christ and strive to be more like Him every day. 

What are your commandments, according to you?  How do they affect your life?

FreedomLive

Yay!  I am SO excited!  We’re going Sunday to visit J.R. Lee’s church in Acworth – Freedom Church.  I am so pumped.  I follow a lot of their blogs pretty regularly and really love their hearts and hard work, the dedication to excellence and to serving in their mission field (community).  This is new church plant that has grown leaps and bounds since they launched in January – of this year. 

While I definitely love serving, I am a researcher at heart.  I love visiting other churches and observing how they do things, the interaction and how they are banging on the gates of hell.  This is a great opportunity to do just that. 

I encourage you to keep your eyes, ears and heart open to God and what He will teach you.  No one is so experienced that they can’t learn something new, and none of us are so successful at what we do that we can ignore other methods.  We’re all playing the same game, against the same opponent.  So what if your church doesn’t use the wishbone offense?  Go see someone who does… you may learn something.