Do you ever feel that you’ve changed in layers? Like so many pieces have been removed, resculpted then retrofitted back into place? I’m in that spot. You know, the one where self assessment becomes mature from the standpoint of not denying your past but also not letting it shape your future. I’m no June Cleaver, but I am real. I don’t need to give a testimony (I hate that word) that spells out all the salacious details of who I was, what I did and how it made me feel, to make you blush and mentally plunge myself to the depths of sinner-hood. I don’t think I need to paint a picture of how rotten I was in order to rightfully show the miracle of God’s grace.
Would stories of my past be true? Sure, most of them. More than I’d like to admit. Am I hiding them? No. But I’m also not prostituting them out. I’m not selling my seedy past to the highest bidder to make a more dramatic story for Christ. He doesn’t need my drama to be who He is. Of course, if God said, “Tell it,” then I would. I’d cringe and hope my family wasn’t there for it, because I’m not proud of it. But really, sometimes I wonder if our “testimony” isn’t more a reliving of the Glory Days and less a revelation of Christ in us.
Seems like most “testimonies” I hear are 95% sordid detail and then at the very end, we tack on a sentence that says, “And then, He saved me, and now I’m super Christian.” Blech. Blech blech blech. We all have a fascination with sin, ugliness, things that we whisper that we’d never do all the while wondering what it was like and tsking our tongues in a high and mighty fashion. We stare at car accidents, watch TV shows about crime, read sordid romance novels. Maybe it’s time we do what God commanded and put our thoughts on Him, on all things good and pure and of good report.
So here’s my testimony. I was rotten. In some ways, I still am, but God is working on that. I have a past, but the beauty of it is that Christ will use it for His glory. What could easily be my shame is His glory. He’s just that cool. God is just that amazing in that He can take horribleness and make it beautiful. I was wounded, in my heart, but He’s getting all that mended too. It isn’t overnight. I’m not “all better.” I still have some inner boo-boos and yuck. But He’s patient and gentle and the ultimate healer. God is God, and that encompasses everything, every little thing I need He is. He has revealed Himself as provider, as redeemer, shepherd, Daddy and lover.
Yeah, that’s a tawdry bit, isn’t it? Lover. More on that later. But He is the ultimate lover. Check out Song of Solomon. The bridegroom, betrothed. Wait, I said I’d get into it later. I get carried away.
